Going from Writing to Copywriting

I was recently in New York on business.  While there, I met a friend of mine who has decided to leave the hedge fund desk job and head to law school.  Having deferred a year, he apparently got himself on the 'desperately unadmitted' list.  Hence the following unsolicited email he received from a school in Florida:

Hello B,

I was looking at your LSAC file today and noticed that your LSAT score of --- and -.-- GPA and other academic accomplishments qualify you for admission to our August '08 entering class. Fortunately, we still have some scholarship funds available, and your LSAT and GPA qualify you for a merit scholarship in the amount of $15,000 per year.

Would you like to study in X, a charming coastal city with wonderful weather? We have a lot of students from New York and we'd love for you to join them.

Please reply to this email or give me a call at (555) 555-5555 so we can talk more about this opportunity. By the way, I am willing to wave your application fee.

I will be working this weekend so feel free to contact me.

J.

[Name]
Director of Admissions
[School]
[Contact Info]

This was offered as an example of bad copywriting.  However, I didn't find it to be so far off.  The man clearly knows his business.  Most business owners can make this claim.    There are enough elements present for a good rewrite to turn this message into a compelling sales letter.  

For example, the email is personalized.  The first paragraph is congruent with the subject, which reads "Please confirm LSAT of --- and -.-- GPA", which of course is also personalized scores for this student.  Certainly the student's own LSAT score is enough to get attention.  (We'll talk in future posts about how to hit the right 'hot buttons' in your market in later posts.)  There is specificity also in the $ figure offered.  The benefits of living in a coastal city are alluded to, and an attempt to connect is made by referring to New Yorkers.  The latter is unfortunately a mistake, as my friend is such a fan of New Yorkers.  The mini-lesson there is never to assume you know what your prospect is thinking.  

In tomorrow's post I'll show you how I would rewrite this letter for a first draft, with no further information.  In the mean time, it might be fun, if you have a little knowledge of how to organize a letter, for you to try your hand, see what you come up with.  Feel free to send it my way.

To your Copywriting Mastery,

Sheridan